Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
