His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
