Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
