she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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