My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
