Your face is a jimmy john
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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