She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
