I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
