I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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