I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
