His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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