im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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