He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
