I wish I only lived at night.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
