I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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