Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
