when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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