Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
