proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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