if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
