you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
