I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
