it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
