Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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