I could make wine with my vomit
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
