look no pants
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
