census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
