apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
