do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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