Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
