He told me they were just razor bumps!
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize