You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
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