Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
