ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
