apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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