That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
