i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
