he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
