Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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