I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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