i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
