I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
The beer is more important than you right now.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
