I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize