i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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