Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
