It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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