I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
