also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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