I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
