In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
