Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
