My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
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