Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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