I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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