"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
