My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Randomize
