Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Randomize
