Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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