my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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