??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We just shotgunned beers for America
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
