so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
